Err on the Side of Caution

I don't know what it is or why, but for some reason when I look up stuff on the internet what I see can have a profound effect on me, especially in the area of my emotions.

For example, all I have to do is start looking through other people's photos from events and start getting SCA crazy. Literally my heart starts pouding really hard, really fast, my breathing picks up, my palms get all sweaty, I feel dizzy and all I can think about is when's the next time I get to dress up and swing a sword?

That's the good side to it. There is of course the bad side - when I start looking up Eddie Izzard videos, for example, and end up zombified in front of the screen until three in the morning, or I browse through online stores for things like ink or instruments and thank god I don't have a credit card (and my bank account's still in transition) or I could easily go broke. (Six dollars here, seven pounds there, next thing you know that stuff adds up!)

And then there is anything online that has to do with transgender/transsexual topics.

Let's just say I try to stay far FAR away from an "communities" and "groups" and "forums" because as soon as I open my metaphorical e-mouth it's going to get a cyber-foot shoved in it - interents people are so touchy!

And looking at photos of successful transmen, reading their stories, checking out their sites, this does nothing for me. I only get depressed because of how far it seems I have to go... see, just thinking about it brings me down.

It's terrible. This should be an uplifting, or at least educational thing, but all I feel is rage against my own situation, jealousy for a complete stranger's life, and sadness about the futility of it all.

It's worse now, of course, considering recent events, which I shall go on to recount later.

Anyway, the point is it's not good for my spirit, and I really need to quit it unless there is really a need for research purposes or something.